• Sarah Tilghman

Brown Eyes

My soul sister, of a thousand lifetimes, looked me in the eyes after a couple months of internal vulnerable turmoil. The deep brown-eyed soul saw mine, saw me for who I am, who I am not, what I am capable of, and believed in my potential and said to me, "Do me one favor: Journal. Write everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, AND everything in between." This one is for you, sister,

It is always interesting the way we handle changes. Personally, I welcome it, and then when it shows up, I freak out. I, energetically, put a bunch of suffering upon myself and allow anxiety to take over. However, I have learned there is a need to open up my heart and understand being with others. That is where we grow the most... is with each others help and support. This is the journey of manifesting in an instant, being a ray of hope when your back is up against some nasty and gnarly energy. And I have some stories of being my own hero, and savior. I brought in the right things for the right times.

In May 2019, I was given the opportunity through the universe to sit with myself. I was pretty unhappy, miserable, and on some levels, I knew change was coming, however, it took a while for me to not fight the inevitable. In the deep meditation, a distinct voice kept saying, "Go to California. Go to California." On a prayer, that is exactly what I did.

In the short process of moving to California, I found a place to stay for free. Not entirely free. I would clean and he was a little OCD, but I cleaned in order to stay. To this day, I bless that man and his soul for the kindness and generosity he showed me. I learned that even with strangers the depths of your soul, and parts of your life can unravel. Even in the most uncomfortable ways, strangers see the most vulnerable part of you, regardless of how much you try and hide it. There is no denying who you are. It shows up in your actions, it shows up in your words, it shows up in the way you smile, it is inevitable. I am grateful for the space in which I was allowed to unravel, and put my life back together.

I got here on a Sunday. I made a promise to myself that I would move to California, find a job that paid the bills that fulfilled me. I also said that I would start dating. For a variety of reasons I will get into later, I am a late bloomer. Within 2 days of being here, I had a love interest, but that would soon fizzle. I got a job on a Thursday after countless interviews that went no where, I walked the streets to find a place that would hire me, on the spot. I've never had that in my life. Countless prayers answered, and lessons to be learned...I got the job.

The next week I was on a date, and got another interview for a company that wanted to talk to me. Literally, on a date with I guy I met the second day of being in California, I took the interview and made it to round 3. Honestly, I was prepared for the interview, but at this point, I was so uncomfortable, that I was sick of it. As a taurus, uncertainty is something I am learning to become familiar with. I made sure that this time, regardless of my surroundings, or what was going on, I would be comfortable with myself. I showed up in the interview, not trying to impress from my knowledge, but from my core. A new way of being emerged. I've never showed up for myself in this way in the vulnerability I was encountering before. Low and behold, I got the job.

The next step was finding a new place to stay, as another piece of the puzzle was put together. I moved in with a few people who I thought were friends at the time. Little did I know what a wild ride that would really be. People can be friends, but being roommates is a totally different thing.

To sum up a bunch of learning that happened in a short period of time...

I have learned that some people don’t understand what boundaries are. I have learned that people have different ways of understanding what common courtesy is. I have learned that different people have a different understanding of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. In my time living with these "friends", I also found a love, who was here, I believe just to pass by and introduce me to what it is like being with someone else.

These are the lessons I learned in this community. These are the lessons of growing up. You find out what works for you and what doesn’t. This round with both of the roommates and with the last guy, I learned what doesn’t work for me. Of course I conjured these lessons, and in all honesty, they came at me one after one and I’ve hit the point of just living, learning and leaving.

What I have learned about myself is that being open and vulnerable is difficult for me. It is honestly like pulling teeth. Maybe it is a unhealed wound, maybe it is in my DNA, maybe it is just a part of me that I am really discovering. I've found that when there is a certain level of comfort, like with the brown eyes I have looked into and found the solace, I have found myself allowing the space to be expansive, allowing me to open up to it. With those people, I find a playground where I can really be myself. I've found some people that I can really open up to and places where I am accepted...For the souls that allow space for us to discover, create, play, grow and live... and those brown eyes, I am grateful.

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